Sat, Dec 07, 2002 - 2:12 p.m.

I felt sick last night, but not puking sick...it was like I was mentally sick. I'm ill...I'm crazy...I'm beautiful, but not the way people think and tell me that I am. I'm not happy go lucky pretty...perfect body, perfect boobs, baby blonde hair, pink cheeks, tan skin, healthy--I'm not healthy...I'm a little screwed up somewhere, but I can't pinpoint exactly where.

I was just so so quiet for no reason...just sort of sullen and sad, even a little annoyed. He kept saying things like: "Why are you so perfect?", "What's wrong Baby?", "Do you know how much I love you?". I kissed him back every time he leaned in, and I smiled when he cracked a joke but I felt so off. Everything inside of me felt so wrong, so dissapointed and bored. I guess I was just having an off night. The pressure from work had built up or something. I don't know.

Things got better later when we lay in the dark together and talked. He told me he felt so lucky to have found his soulmate. I'd never really thought about that before, but I liked the sound of it. I think that we are soulmates...something about the way we met, and the way I just instantly knew I would be with him. We connect in so many ways and I know he's always going to be a part of me.

I spent too much money today. I was oogled by too many boys today--and even worse...I actually flirted back a little. I shouldn't have had that second hot chocolate/coffee.

I'm getting wasted tonight. I can't even tell you how long it's been.

Stop rambling.

LoveGrace