Thu, Oct 10, 2002 - 8:28 a.m.

I am a perfectionist in my own way. I am sculpting my body to be exactly what I want it to be right now...and it excites me to no end!

Like an anorexic gets off by not eating (and I have been there)--I'm getting off by exercising (TONS) daily and eating lots of proteins (as well as some carbs) to keep me going and keep me lean. I can't even believe my eyes sometimes when I look in the mirror and realize I have little to no fat on my body (save my boobs that have miraculously stayed "bombastically" intacked--something that doesn't happen during anorexia). My arms are small yet softly cut, my tummy is sculpted and tight, my legs long, lean, and toned; and I realize that I created this. I can't describe the enjoyment working out gives me. I want to do it all the time because I just love how it makes me feel.

Last night on the phone Nick told me that I am the most confident girl he's ever met, and that it was one of the things he loves most about me. I realized that he's right, that I am really at home in my skin these days, and it makes me able to express myself clearly without having to worry about the outside. I finally know who I am and I love myself.

Believe it or not it took me a long time to get here. I have probably been struggling with finding myself, loving myself, as well as BEING myself for the past 5 years or so. Highschool can really screw you up.

At work it's like I am the only girl who doesn't brag about the guys that hit on me, or the things my boyfriend does for me, and I realize that it's because I'm not insecure. (Of course on here I talk about it...but this is my DIARY, come on!). Of course guys DO hit on me all the time, and the things my boyfriend does for me are countless and sweet, but the (insecure) girls at work are needy and they seem to hold silent (invalid) grudges on me based on my looks.

The talk Nick and I had last night was such an eye opener in so many ways. I'm figuring out my future and I'm really excited about the direction my life is going in. I know that fitness is always going to be a part of my life and I'm so lucky to have found someone who shares that passion. We want to open our own gym one day. I'm going to do competitions and shows and possibly fitness modeling for the meantime (and of course working at my gym to save mucho $$$). I'm also going to take as many University level Can-Fit courses as possible (I have already taken the Personal Training course, and in December I'm going to be doing the Nutrition and Wellness course). Not going directly to University without a clue what I want to be has been the best decision I've ever made. Things all seem to be falling into place lately.

I'm extremely greatful.

LoveGrace