Fri, Mar 28, 2003 - 8:18 p.m.

Ah. Everything is conflicting lately. I'm happy and sad. I'm "recovered" yet fucked up. I'm perfect...but something's missing. I sound really sentimental and gay; the reality is I'm really not like this. I'm ALWAYS the "not sentimental" one in my relationships.

I had a dream about my Aarron (the ex) this afternoon when I got home from the gym...and I never realized how much I hate and resent him. I have no fucking closure. I don't care...because he's nothing. He's nobody to me.

Nick is everything; but he gets so defensive so easily. He's so unbelievably honest and smart....and understanding. My God how can somebody be so understanding!? I'm such a nasty little person. But I'm smart, and I see things (that some others don't)...and I think that makes me nasty.

Rarrr..Nothing's making sense I KNOW.

WHAT'S NEW.

Work has been good/bad. I am being given sooo much responsability and am doing a great job but I hate my boss---and I want a raise and she keeps putting off my review. Women are so catty and I find it SOO frustrating!! Working out has been pretty good. I made myself sore twice this weekend and managed to do some good cardio. I've been fucked up in the eating department (throwing up) still--and I wonder if I'm really stuck now. I think I've really lost control; and that's a really scary thing to have to admit. It's like I can't stop. It's totally normal and habit now. I can't believe this is who I am.

I had a hair appointment last week and came out WAYYY lighter than anticipated but I've come to love it. I'm Britney Spears, I'm light baby blonde and I feel so feminine and fragile with this hair. I just feel really delicate and beautiful. I think it really suits me; and I've gotten lots of compliments. (Not from my mother however, who detests my blonde hair and wishes I was a brunette again. She told me I look exactly like Barbie).

I'm going out with Nick in a few minutes. All is good with us...we've been fighting a little lately, but it's all good. It'll have been 8 months soon...that's crazy. I cannot wait until the summer--that's when we met. I love being in love in the summertime.

LoveGrace