Wed, Dec 11, 2002 - 11:26 a.m.

Food is confusing me lately. I've been reading up on eating disorders because I didn't like the way I was playing with fire (throwing up) a few weeks ago. Anyway I have NO APPETITE lately. I don't want to eat anything, everything totally grosses the hell out of me. Today I've been a little better but I still feel different. I usually lose my appetite when something crazy is going on in my life that I can't handle. Like when I broke up with Aarron and I could barely eat for a week. I lost 5 pounds and oddly enough it never came back. Anyway 105 lbs is not healthy on my tiny 5'7" frame. My collar bone is looking especially prominant these days. I can't say I hate it because the anorexic in me LOVES IT--a little too much to tell you the truth. I can't lose control again. I LOVE MY BODY the way it is...and if I lose anymore I'll have to say goodbye to my boobs, my healthy enough ass, my clear skin, nice hair and nails, and get used to bruising and being unbarably cold AT ALL TIMES.

I've been eating more (healthy) fats lately than ever and am losing faster than ever. Girls who think walnuts, peanut butter, and protein bars make you gain weight because there's so much fat in them are WRONG...because healthy fats make you (or at least ME) lose!

I stayed up till 3 with Nick last night and don't have to work until 4 today!! I'm elated. I think I'll go do a little shopping (even though I shouldn't), then work-out, then work until close.

lovegrace